Alright, Who Buttered My Muffin?
by d'Anima
Summary: [[Green Wing]] A collection of mostly pointless one shots featuring the motley crew from East Hampton. Giggle or get your money back. :]
1. Tomorrow

_Author's Note: Welcome to my new collection of Green Wing fics. There'll all little, silly snippets, but make sure you review if you like them. It'll make me smile. :3 Rated for language. _

_Disclaimer: Let's play the physic game? Who can guess what I'm about to say? That's right, I don't own Green Wing! Good little readers. _

-

"Now then Dr. Todd, if you will just lift the penis slightly…"

"This is disgusting." Guy peered under the blanket. He glanced around the room. "I think he's even smaller than you, Macaroon." He was met with a few suspicious glances.

"Not that I would know, of course…" He fiddled with a needle. "I don't know why the bugger needs a tumour removed anyway. I thought it would cause more friction. You know, for the _ladies_."

When both Mac and Caroline failed to say anything, Guy frowned. "Well, aren't we all so talkative today?"

He noticed their terse looks. "Oh, sod you all. Did something happen with the Holly Tree?"

Guy was again met with only silence. "Okay…" His eyes shifted around the room, before his face broke into a grin.

"The sun will come out, tomorrow

Bet your bottom dollar

That tomorrow, there'll be sun!

Just thinkin' about, tomorrow

Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow

'Til there's none

When I'm stuck with a day that's grey, and lone-ly,

I just stick up my chin, and – bonfire head! Haven't you read the sign? No throwing of surgical equip – Fuck _off!_"


	2. Go Fish

_Author's Note: Don't even ask about this one._

-

"Go fish."

"No."

"Go fish."

"No."

"I asked if you had an eight and you have, so go fish!"

"I'm not playing this game. It's stupid."

"No it's not!" Guy waggled his fishing rod in Mac's face. "All you have to do is try and grab a pair."

"No. I'm not going to fish for someone's knickers. Especially when I'm sitting in an air duct over the girls' locker room and unable to breathe because someone had eggs for breakfast and then decided to fart. _You _get a pair."

"Fine. You're so boring." Guy carefully manoeuvred his fishing rod down through the vent and jiggled it around. "I'm going for Naughty Rachel's."

He reeled up the rod, revealing a pair of very large, very lacy knickers.

Mac and Guy exchanged looks. "Hm. Must be laundry day."


	3. Tampons

_Author's Note: My sister came up with one, while we were on a bus. Not sure why. XDD_

-

"I've got to go…shopping..."

Noticing Guy's obvious distaste, Boyce looked up from his sudoku. "So? It might seem strange, but apparently it's a normal activity for humans."

Guy glared at him. "You know what? You've been spending too much time with Goldilocks. Yeah, you have. And it's not for me, it's for Caroline."

"Then I'm definitely not having anything to do with it."

"Why not?"

"When you go shopping for women, you always have to buy tampons. Haven't you ever read any of the silly girly internet fanfictions?"

"What?"

Boyce sighed. "Never mind. Point is, I won't be caught dead buying tampons. Period."

"Hah, you said _period. _Get it? _Period._"

"Go and ask Mac."

"Fine."

-

After several long minutes of searching, Guy found Mac in the cafeteria. "I need tampons."

Mac raised an eyebrow, glancing around at the nearby occupied tables. "It's nothing to be worried about, Guy. There's a lot of men who have leakages later on in life."

"No, you stupid sodding ginger fop! They're for Caroline! Not for me!" He paused. "But do they really?"

"No idea. But put simply, you're asking me to come with you."

"Will you?"

"What do I get out of it?"

"I've got Caroline's credit card. I'll buy you chips."

"Deal."

-

"Quick! No-one's looking! Now's our chance!" Guy darted out from behind the magazine rack and stole over to the toiletries shelf. "Oh, bloody hell! How are we supposed to know what ones to get?"

Mac shrugged and picked up a packet. "Not sure. Light, regular, super…" He frowned at the packets. "What the hell's an applicator?"

Guy stared in disgust at the image on the box. "I don't want to know. It looks….dangerous. Let's just grab all the kinds."

Spying a young woman walking up the isle, Guy grabbed madly at the packets. "Quick Macintosh, shove these down your jacket!"

"Why?"

"Because someone will see!" He hissed, before dropping them all over the floor. "Shit!" He scrabbled at the boxes and shoved them down Mac's jacket.

"Right! Now I can tick them off the list!" He got out the scrap of paper and his pen.

"Tampons…tampons…it's not…here." He looked up at Mac. "Do you know what this means?"

"We just wasted 20 minutes of our lives on tampons?"

"No, moron, it means she must be _pregnant!_"


	4. Cats

_Author's Note: The continuation of Guy's singing talents, and the product of being bored during holidays – I watch too many musicals. _

-

"I watched Cats in the weekend."

"Fascinating. Couldn't find any pigeons?" Mac glanced up at Guy as he drew the last suture tight.

"No, tosspot, the musical." He smiled bashfully at Caroline. "See how cultured I am? I'm expanding my musical boundaries."

"I can guess what else you'll be expanding if you sit in front of the TV all weekend."

"Mac!" Caroline frowned at him. "I think it's good for him to be exposed to these sorts of things. It makes him seem like a real person."

"Yeah, see, exactly – hey!" He crossed his arms. "I'm not going to tell you about it now."

"Damn. And we were so looking forward to hearing it."

"Well alright then, I'll tell you. There's no need to insist."

"We didn't –"

"Do you know what cat Mac would be, Caroline?" He didn't wait for an answer. "Macavity. That's Mac-avity."

Mac stopped what he was doing. "Now that you've had a bit of silly little fun, do you want to try playing the anaesthetist game? You know, the one where you do your job?"

"Oh fine." He fiddled with his machines. And then, very quietly…

"Macavity's a ginger cat...

He's very tall and thin...

You would know him if you saw him for his eyes are sunken in…"


	5. Weighty Issues

_**Weighty Issues**_

_**Word count: **__313_

_**Rating: **__PG _

_**Spoilers: **__For start of season two_

_**Author's Note: **__Set near the beginning of season two. Something my sister and I were talking about the other day. Enjoy!_

-

"I mean, what is it with women and weight issues, really?" Boyce tipped his seventh packet of sugar into his coffee. "Half of them have got bottoms the size of a small asteroid but think they don't, and the other half are too busy being paranoid about gaining a few pounds that all they eat is lettuce."

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Guy nodded and stuffed the last of Martin's chips into his mouth, glancing up as Caroline slouched into the cafeteria. "Ooh, looks like someone's on the start of their cycle. Better get out quick, Boycie."

"Oh, shut up Guy." Caroline slumped into the seat next to them. "I'm just not in the mood."

"I see. Would a foot massage help? Perhaps a bit of foreplay to brighten up the day?"

"I _said,_ shut _up!_ Oh." She sighed and closed her eyes. "I was going to doa bit of baking tonight – you know, to celebrate Mac feeling better and all – but I've run out of lard."

"Oh, no problem." Boyce fished a tub of lard out of his coat pocket and tossed it to her. "I always keep a bit on hand. Good for when you're fresh out of lube."

Caroline squeaked and dropped the offending tub. "Oh, that's lovely Boycie, it really is, but you see, ever since Angela and I have been on this healthy eating plan –"

"You mean _diet?_" Guy interrupted. Caroline scowled at him. "_No, _its proper name is a healthy eating plan. Anyway, I've only been buying low-fat lard."

Boyce and Guy traded looks. "Low-fat _lard?_" Guy echoed.

"Kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?" Boyce tucked his tub of lard back into his pocket. "I mean, how does that even work, anyway?"

Caroline blinked and frowned slowly. "Um, I'm not sure? I think it's in a smaller container, is all."

"Oh. That makes sense."


	6. Biscuits

_**Biscuits**_

_**Word Count: **__319_

_**Rating: **__G_

_**Spoilers: **__None_

_**Author's Note:**__ An update, from me! Who would've known? Anyway, it's just a silly thing. The idea's been around for a while, but I finally decided to write something. Thanks for reading!_

_-_

"Oh, lovely. Can I have one of those?" Caroline plopped herself into a chair next to Guy and reached out her hand to the packet of biscuits on the table. "I'm starving."

"No! No, you can't!" Guy lunged forward, nabbed the packet and fell back on his chair, clutching the biscuits to his chest.

"What? Why not?"

He wasn't prepared for such a radical question like that.

"Well, you see – that is, they've got loads of trans…saturated…fatty acid things in them. So, you know…they're really…_poisonous._ So –" He stood up and ran a hand through his curly locks.

"I figured I'd eat them all so no-one else would get sick…here!" Still clutching the biscuits to his chest, he scampered over to his locker and started flinging things out of it.

"Look, these are much better." He threw a pack of Swiss chocolate at Caroline's nose. "Eat some of that. That's good stuff, that is. So much better than…biscuits."

His eyes darkened and he waved the offending packet in front of her. "They do bad things, these! They play with your mind, and make really normal girls wet their knickers."

Caroline stared at him, wondering just when he had gotten so mad. But her pondering was broken off by Martin as he tried to slide ever-so-casually into the seat next to her, misjudged it and landed in a heap on the floor.

"Oh, yum, biscuits!" He beamed at Guy. "Can I have some?"

"Yeah, sure fartface." Guy spat in the packet and dropped it on Martin's head. "I've got to get off anyway." Tipping his cold coffee over martin, he wandered aimlessly out the door.

"Oh, what's with him?" Caroline sniffed. "I asked him for some of those and he wouldn't give me any."

"I don't really know." Martin wiped one of the soggy biscuits on his coat and popped it in his mouth.

"Seem fine to me. Just gingernuts."


End file.
